The Art of Boundaries: Learning to Feel and Communicate Your Limits

In therapy, we often talk about “setting boundaries” — but few of us were ever taught how to recognize where our limits actually are. Boundaries are not walls; they are the space where connection and self-respect meet. I think of boundaries as a room that has a door, with the ability to open, close or lock the entrance depending on your emotional and relational safety.

Yet for many people, boundaries can feel confusing, especially when our early experiences taught us that love and acceptance depended on pleasing others. Often I see boundaries disguised as personal or relational “rules” such as “I have to answer all emails, even when I am exhausted so people at work believe I am capable”.

When working with client, I like to teach boundaries through the body first in somatic experiencing, so we can begin to sense where safety and discomfort live — and learn to communicate from that awareness.

Understanding the Different Types of Boundaries

Boundaries can show up in many areas of life. Becoming aware of each helps us recognize where we feel safe and where we might need more protection or space.

1. Physical Boundaries

These define your comfort with touch, personal space, and physical needs.

• Example: Knowing how close is “too close,” or when you need rest and time alone.
• Somatic cue: Tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, or pulling your body away may signal your body feels unsafe or overstimulated.

2. Emotional Boundaries

These protect your inner world — your feelings, values, and emotional energy.

• Example: You can care deeply about someone’s pain without taking responsibility for fixing it.
• Somatic cue: A heavy chest, lump in the throat, or sense of collapse can signal emotional overload.

3. Mental Boundaries

These guard your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.

• Example: Allowing someone to disagree without feeling you must defend yourself to be accepted.
• Somatic cue: Head tension or spinning thoughts may mean your cognitive space feels invaded. Sometimes people feel like they “see red” or inability to hear thoughts.

4. Time & Energy Boundaries

These involve how you give and protect your time and capacity.

• Example: Saying no to an extra project or social event when your body feels depleted.
• Somatic cue: Fatigue, irritability, or a tight stomach when saying “yes” but meaning “no.”

5. Relational Boundaries

These define the level of closeness or commitment you’re comfortable with.

• Example: Choosing what you share, how often you connect, or how much emotional labor you offer.
• Somatic cue: Feeling tense before seeing someone or relief when plans are cancelled can indicate misaligned relational boundaries.

 

How It Feels When a Boundary Is Crossed

When a boundary is crossed, our body often knows before our mind does.
You might feel:

• A sudden drop in your stomach
• Tightness in your jaw or shoulders
• A lump in your throat or urge to cry
• A flash of anger, guilt, or confusion

These sensations are signals, not problems — they tell you something inside feels unsafe or unseen. Learning to pause and notice these cues helps you choose a response rather than reacting automatically.

Somatic Practices to Build Boundary Awareness

Here are a few ways to build embodied awareness around your boundaries:

1. Body Check-In Practice:
   Pause before saying “yes” or “no.” Take one deep breath and ask:

“What is my body saying right now — expansion or contraction?”
Expansion often means safety or alignment; contraction can signal discomfort or overextension.

2. Grounding Before Responding:
   If you feel pressured, plant your feet on the floor, take two slow exhales, and imagine roots anchoring you. This calms your nervous system so you can respond from clarity rather than fear.
3. Notice Repetition:
   Track situations that repeatedly bring tension, fatigue, or resentment. These are invitations to examine where your boundaries need strengthening.

Communicating Boundaries with Clarity and Compassion

As a recovering people pleaser, I have found that communicating boundaries one of the hardest adjustments. However, developing an arsenal of “hard and soft” ways to communicate boundaries a great way to protect my peace. Learning to accept that I don’t need to justify or over-explain takes patience, practice and self-compassion.

Ways to Communicate Boundaries

1. The “Yes, but with limits”

• “I’d love to help, but I can only do [small piece].”
• “I can join, but just for an hour.”
• “Yes, though I’ll need some time before I can get to it.”

(Affirms goodwill while protecting time/energy.)

2. The “Redirect”

• “I’m not the best person for that, but maybe [X resource/person] could help.”
• “That doesn’t fit for me right now, but here’s another idea.”
• “I can’t commit to that, but I’d be glad to [offer smaller support].”

(Shifts the request without guilt.)

3. The “Delay”

• “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
• “I need some time to think about whether I can take that on.”
• “I can’t give an answer right now, but I’ll let you know soon.”

(Creates space before deciding, instead of feeling pressured into “yes.”)

4. The “Affirm + Protect”

• “I really value our time together, and I also need some quiet time tonight.”
• “I enjoy helping when I can, though this week I need to focus on my own deadlines.”
• “I care about this, but I can only show up in a smaller way right now.”

(Keeps the connection while gently stating a limit.)

5. The “Alternative Offer”

• “I can’t do [big request], but I’d be glad to [smaller version].”
• “That won’t work for me, but I’d love to support you in another way.”
• “I can’t meet in person, but I’d be happy to connect by phone.”

(Balances generosity with self-preservation.)

6. The “Values Anchor”

• “I’ve been prioritizing my health lately, so I won’t be able to stay late.”
• “I’m working on keeping my weekends free for family, so I’ll pass this time.”
• “I’ve committed to slowing down, so I can’t add anything new right now.”

(Frames the boundary as self-alignment, not rejection.)

 

When communicating a boundary:

1. Regulate first – Take a moment to ground or breathe before speaking.
2. Speak from ownership – Use “I” statements rather than “you always.”
3. Stay consistent – Repetition builds trust and self-respect.
4. Expect discomfort – It’s normal for guilt or fear to arise; this doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

The Healing Outcome

As you learn to recognize, feel, and communicate your limits, your relationships begin to shift. You’ll likely notice:

• More emotional space for genuine connection
• Less resentment or burnout
• Greater self-trust and inner peace

Boundaries are not barriers to love — they are the container that allows love to feel safe.

 

🔗 Coming Next in This Series:

In our next post, we’ll explore how attachment patterns shape boundary challenges — and how to practice self-regulation when fear or guilt arises while setting them.